Hovering, Helicoptering, and Hindering: How to Break the Cycle
The term “helicopter parent” comes with a few negative connotations, especially if it is meant to coin a parenting style with regard to the classroom. Of course, the tendency to hover over, guide, and protect is a natural and respectable instinct for parents. Everyone hopes to shield their children from pain, failure, embarrassment, struggle, etc. However, a helicopter parent’s best intentions may prove a detriment to the child in the long run for several different reasons.
Helicopter parents can inadvertently foster neediness and dependence when they do for the child what he or she could readily do for himself. For instance, older elementary school students should ideally be expected to tie their shoes, pick out an outfit, pack or unpack a backpack, make a sandwich, etc. When parents rush to assist with a task that children should be able to complete themselves, it sends the subtle message that, “you cannot do this without mom or dad’s help.” Over time, this inadvertent message solidifies a sense of reliance on parents and subsequent self-doubt. Parents must set reasonable expectations for children so that they build independence, self-confidence, and autonomy. Obviously, as children develop and advance their life skills, parents should increase the level of independence and set expectations higher by increasing the “hands-off” mentality. Bottom line—if a child can do it herself, let her.
Excessive hovering also has a tendency to breed anxiety and stress. If parents are constantly questioning, checking in on, or scrutinizing a child’s actions or decisions, it can create tension and added stress. Of course, it is natural for parents to worry—this never truly subsides, no matter old that “child” is. But parents must carefully consider just how much they are allowing that constant worry to show. A simple question like, “How well do you think you did on your test today?” Or, “Why do you think you weren’t invited to the party?” could be enough to raise anxiety and worry in a child’s mind. Keep those sort of pointed or loaded questions to yourself—the grade will be what it will be; the friends and invites will come and go.
Help children by embracing struggles and tackling obstacles, not removing them. Again, a helicopter parent’s instinct is to remove any obstacle their child might face so that struggles are kept at a minimum and failure and strife are avoided. While it’s admirable to want to absorb pain for our children, the constant safety bubble does them a great disservice. Part of life is learning to face obstacles and learn from failure. If parents are constantly intervening when things get tough, or cleaning up a child’s literal or figurative messes, the outcome could be detrimental. Resilience, perseverance, problem-solving skills, courage, and flexibility are just a few formative characteristics that children begin to develop when faced with difficulties.
Stress growth over perfection and avoid making comparisons between siblings or peers. It is important to remind children that everyone has his or her own strengths and weaknesses—no one is perfect at everything. Helicopter parents may do more harm than good if perfection is the communicated goal or standard. Instead, parents should put the focus more on improvement and progress. Show them that effort is valuable by discussing your own struggles and triumphs and letting them navigate their own in due time.
