How to Solve Problems with Peers: Middle Schoolers

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Conflict resolution is a skill that students of all ages require on a regular basis. Because of the emotional fragility that we often see in the middle school age group, conflicts can arise even more frequently among peers. While this is cause for some concern, the upside is that teachers and parents can employ many different strategies to help prevent, mediate, and solve conflicts among preteens.

Teachers can help to prevent or assuage conflicts by working to create a positive classroom environment. This type of classroom not only lends itself to academic success and productivity, but also helps to promote a climate in which all voices are heard, respected, and appreciated. Teachers should promote this positive environment from the very beginning of the school year by setting clear expectations for all students. The classroom needs to be a place where students feel supported by each other. In terms of conversation tips, middle schoolers should practice positive conversation habits as part of their regular routine in the classroom. This includes active listening by making eye contact, tracking the speaker, allowing one person to speak at a time, and remaining on topic when talking.

To avoid explosive conversations, teachers and parents can prompt students to handle peer conflicts assertively, instead of aggressively. This means that students can openly voice their side of the issue, while maintaining a firm but neutral tone. Being assertive does not mean that students are allowed to be accusatory—they should voice their opinions while remaining calm, and then be open to hearing the other side of the conflict. To initiate these types of productive mediations, students can benefit from using sentence frames that express honest feelings and qualms without allowing emotions to lead the way. Try incorporating dialogue that follows the prompts below:

“What I’m hearing you say is _____________________________, but I also feel __________________.”

“When I said ____________________________, what I really meant was ______________________.”

“I reacted to what you said because it made me feel _______________________________.”

Students can also benefit from perspective-taking practices in which adults prompt preteens to look at the argument or conflict from a different angle. Parents should ask questions like, “How do you think your classmate felt when this incident happened?” Or, “What do you think made him/her react like that?” “Could you see why he/she became upset?” By looking beyond themselves, middle schoolers can begin to see how their words or actions may have had an impact on someone else. Perspective-taking practices allow young people to empathize with peers and show compassion, even when students are in the midst of experiencing a difference of opinion.   

An additional tip for helping middle schoolers during a conflict is to remind them to avoid placing blame on their peers. Often times, even if the other peer was responsible for starting the conflict, blaming or pointing fingers is like adding fuel to the fire. Blaming puts the other student on the defensive, which creates more of an issue than a solution. Remind middle schoolers that it is okay, even expected, that disagreements will occur, but that the important thing is to keep these conversations solution-based. This means that the focus of the conversation should remain solely on resolving the issue.  

 

Developing Grit: A Guide for Parents Part II

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In the first part of this “gritty” topic, we explored how a lack of grit may have significant consequences for children and teens. We left off with a powerful quote from one of today’s most gritty inspirations—J.K. Rowling. In a commencement speech at Harvard, Rowling explained,

“Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way…It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

Rowling’s message reminds young people to embrace struggle for what it teaches us. Moreover, parents can provide guidance in fostering grit by encouraging more than just learning from our missteps.

How can we ensure that our children and teens develop grit?

Practice

Practice is rooted in the concept of growth mindset—this idea that, with strategic effort and drive, anyone can improve. Since grit involves the desire and drive to persevere through obstacles or setbacks, practice is a key component for developing that drive, or grit. The purpose behind practice is two-fold—students need to learn to expect that tasks, skills, and talents require practice. Children and teens should also expect to continue that level of effort by practicing, even after experiencing failure. A student with grit knows that reaching one’s goals requires much more than one lucky attempt. Look at any success story and you’ll find that the person’s success was likely built on a foundation of trial and error. To encourage grit, provide teens with examples of successful risk-takers, or those who have achieved great success after years—sometimes decades—of practice and failed attempts.

Motive

Parents can also help children build grit by discussing motives or reasons for working through challenges. Having conversations about future goals with children and teens is a solid starting point for introducing grit. Pose topics for discussion like, “What if everyone gave up on their dreams after one attempt? How many inventors, creators, performers, and athletes would our world be lacking?” Or, “If failure was not possible, what dream or goal would you strive to reach?” Parents can also provide their children with examples of their own motivation. Talk about how you have experienced your own failures or obstacles—discuss what you learned from those tough moments and how motivation outshined exasperation or defeat. In discussing the reasons for sticking with a goal, no matter the difficulty, children learn to see struggle as a necessary step in learning or growing.

Small steps  

Children and teens also need to be reminded of the fact that nothing worth achieving will come easily; success is not accomplished overnight. A common trait of people lacking grit is that they will expect to succeed on the first attempt. Moreover, a level of impatience ensues when success is not met instantaneously. Remind children that even small achievements are bringing them that much closer to their goal. Victories, no matter what they be, take time. Children should remember that even the smallest wins contribute to their larger goal—so they can absolutely celebrate the baby steps along the way. Practices such as positive self-talk and checking off small accomplishments can revitalize a discouraged learner. Parents can model this positivity by tackling their own challenges, or by stepping out of the box and participating in a new activity. We must continue to not only challenge ourselves, but welcome and embrace the challenge for what it gives us—grit.    

 

National Handwriting Day: A Spotlight on Dysgraphia

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Contrary to the common misconception, dysgraphia is a learning disability that signifies a more serious problem than a simple inability to write neatly or color inside the lines. Yes, dysgraphia often manifests itself in the form of “sloppy” or illegible handwriting; however, the difficulty arises before the pencil hits the paper. Dysgraphia is actually a processing disorder, meaning that the deficiency comes from the inability to receive input or construct output of information from the senses.

Each learner is different, so dysgraphia can present as a struggle to perform the physical, motor-controlled aspect of writing, or the mental, expressive aspect of synthesizing thoughts and organizing them on paper. It may help parents or educators to think of dysgraphia in terms of a quarterback on a football field—the disability might cause the QB to physically struggle to grip, hold, pass, or hand off the ball. However, he might also struggle with the mental or decision-making aspect of when to throw a pass versus make a run. Either way, the deficiency in sensory input or output can disrupt his success on the field, much like a student’s academic success in class.

Here are a few suggestions for addressing the physical aspect of dysgraphia:

For young writers with dysgraphia, the physical act of writing can be cumbersome. The deficiency does not come from a lack or care or effort. In fact, many students with dysgraphia are putting extra effort into their handwriting, but may still be coming up short. To help those who struggle with their motor skills when it comes to letter legibility, spacing, size, etc., parents, teachers and therapists can employ multiple strategies or best practices to help the child’s writing.

Some young learners may benefit from using paper with raised or perforated lines to assist with letter size and spacing. The tactile element helps to make children aware of the physical boundary lines between which their letters should remain. Similarly, tracing practices with raised outlines are also available. When students practice tracing either on paper or in the air using “imaginary letters,” encourage them to form letters the same way every time. For instance, when practicing the letter C, make sure that children start with their pencil at the top, arching counter-clockwise and down to form the letter. Repetition of movement is key when strengthening muscle memory to improve writing, so remind them to construct the letter C the same way every time.

Consider providing multiple shapes and styles of pencils or pens. Sometimes rubber pencil grips can help with the discomfort that children with dysgraphia experience. Some students find that hexagonal or three-sided pencils feel more stable than perfectly round pencils, or vice-versa.

Writing can be extremely frustrating, so motivate children by keeping writing practices or tasks brief and to the point. When hands and fingers become tired or cramped, writing can range from uncomfortable to painful—take a break long before any discomfort sets in to maintain effort and motivation. Encourage students to focus on one aspect of their handwriting at a time. Perhaps for one assignment, this means that a child will work primarily on his/her letter spacing within and between words. Next time, he/she might focus his attention on the sizing of capital letters and lowercase letters. Breaking up the writer’s goal can help make handwriting less daunting.

Developing Grit: A Guide for Parents

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Grit, as it pertains to behavior and motivation, has been a popular buzzword in the education world as of late. Perhaps the reason that it has taken center stage is the fact that today’s adolescents are overwhelmingly lacking in grit. Merriam-Webster defines grit as “firmness of character; indomitable spirit.” Grit, however, is much more than sheer determination. Furthermore, grit should not be misconstrued as a trait of stubbornness. This characteristic is substantially more complex than the unwillingness to accept failure, and yet, it has a great deal to do with one’s failures. As Angela Duckworth, who’s garnered a following after her TED talk on grit, claims: grit should be defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.”

With such an emphasis on grit, or rather, the absence of it among today’s youth, it is an essential topic of discussion for parents. What does grit look like? What is the danger of an absence of grit? Since it is such a crucial attribute, how can we ensure that our children and teens develop grit?

A world without grit:

If we were to describe today’s young people in one word, including my own fellow millennials, our generation and those that have followed could be considered “soft.” Coddled, entitled, and sheltered also come to mind when I think about young people today. Some may not know it, but this “softness”—this inability to persevere or handle setbacks—is indicative of a lack of grit.

The unfortunate (and terrifying) truth is that many of today’s recent high school graduates, though perfectly capable applicants on paper, are abysmally ill-equipped to thrive on their own at the university level. Most likely, much of primary school was smoke and mirrors—students were given an A for effort, innumerable opportunities to reassess or resubmit assignments, and gratuitous applause. While it is important to reference the value of self-esteem, the pendulum may have swung too far in the direction of sensitivity.

Parents need to be aware of this lack of grit, because teachers, professors, and employers certainly are. What we are seeing now is that the slightest difficulty, obstacle, or discouragement renders today’s teens completely helpless—any effort or motivation that they may have had for their end goal becomes dashed by fears of failure the moment they sense anything less than perfection on the horizon. Teens are so used to unwarranted praise or the metaphorical “participation trophy” that they are incapable of picking themselves up by their bootstraps, getting back on the horse, dusting off to try again, and any other euphemism alluding to grit. We are raising the “1-and-done” generation, who would rather sell themselves short than experience a nanosecond of discomfort, failure, or rejection.

Without grit, teens become young adults that, while dutiful followers, will never risk failure for a leadership opportunity. They will choose predictable or comfortable stability over spirited, or self-determined, trailblazing every time. They will blame any setback or perceived rejection on the “powers that be” or anything outside of their control. They will consider any criticism as an attack, as opposed to an opportunity to reflect and grow with that knowledge. Students lacking grit become adults who only explore inside the box, and only play when the odds are in their favor.

One of the most “gritty” writers said it best:

“Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way…It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” J.K. Rowling

Read on to find out more about the correlation between grit and failure, as well as tips for encouraging grit at home and in school in Part II of Developing Grit: A Guide for Parents.

How to Solve Problems with Peers: Elementary Schoolers

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Conflict resolution is a skill that children, teens, and even adults encounter on a daily basis. From minor tiffs or disagreements, to outright arguments, conflicts can arise quickly and seemingly out of nowhere. For elementary-age students, conflict resolution is a key component of socialization that prepares children to make, strengthen, and salvage friendships and peer relationships.

Employ communication skills

Elementary schoolers may find themselves unprepared to deal with certain conflicts. This happens largely because of an inability to communicate their feelings without allowing emotions to take over the conversation. Help young students by providing them with “accountable talk” sentence frames to get a positive conversation started.

“I feel ___________________ because ___________________.”

“What I meant by saying that was ___________________.”

“Instead, I should have said ___________________.”

“The real reason I reacted by ___________________ was because ___________________.”

These sentence frames allow children to own and explain their feelings without blaming or attacking the other party. It also encourages students to talk about how certain actions can cause problems for or have an effect on others. Teachers, counsellors, and parents may want to consider modeling a pretend conversation or skit in which they practice using the accountable talk model. Also, be sure that elementary schoolers have a mediator present for these conversations. This adult can ensure that students stick to the script, so to speak, so that the mediation continues in a positive, productive manner.

If things escalate, allow time to cool off

Because of immaturity or lack of experience in dealing with conflict, elementary-aged children can allow their emotions to take over quite abruptly. When tempers flare between peers, provide students with time to calm themselves and collect their thoughts. The last thing that we want is for arguments between students to turn physical. Provide students with quiet places, removed from the rest of their peers. Reinforce the fact that this is not a punitive “time out,” but instead an opportunity to relax and settle.

Some students benefit from writing down, sketching, or drawing their feelings or their side of the conflict. Place sketch paper and pencils in the cool down area to encourage students to journal or draw. Some teachers have found that cool down reflection sheets with guiding questions about the incident have been beneficial for mediation. Teachers may also consider providing students with a visual to gauge their level of composure. Use a number scale or color wheel to help students identify how much time they need to cool down. If they register a “5” or red on the color wheel, they certainly need more time to calm down. Allow students to reach “1” or blue before rejoining the class or starting a mediation.

Practice perspective-taking using summarizing or paraphrasing skills. Many conflicts, if not all, arise from a difference of opinion or different recollection of an incident. A child’s brain is practically hard-wired to accept only one perspective—his own. It is not until maturity that people develop the ability to take another’s stance, see an alternate perspective, or enact empathy. Therefore, children need practice and prompting in order view the situation from their peer’s perspective. Practice this by using listening strategies, in which peers will listen to, paraphrase, and respond to their peer’s account of the incident. Remind students that their summary or paraphrasing must hold true to what their peer said—they cannot deviate from the classmate’s account, or add their own interpretations. This is difficult for children to do; however, reassure them that they too will get the opportunity to speak and be heard by their peer.   

Teaching Inclusion in the Classroom

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General education teachers are tasked with keeping many balls in the air, which is half the fun of working in a classroom—there are so many constantly moving and evolving pieces for which to account. One of these essential pieces to ensure equitable learning for every student is inclusion. Of course, this term is nothing new to educators—we work to create an inclusive environment on a daily basis. What might be new, however, are the many ways in which we teachers can look at inclusive practices. Since every child is different, we must continue our exploration of strategies and practices that best suit the needs of all students.

One best practice that supports inclusion is to vary the output of information. By this we mean that teachers should relay content and instruction in different ways. Some students, especially those with auditory processing difficulties, find that verbal instruction is hard to grasp. To ensure inclusion for these students’ special needs, teachers should try to present information in visual or tactile ways, in addition to the verbal instruction. Depending on the class or lesson, this might take the form of a demonstration, video, or hands-on activity. Some skills or lesson objectives may even lend themselves to a more kinesthetic or tactile approach. Even students without an auditory processing deficiency would find it confusing to listen to a verbal explanation of cursive letter formation. A demonstrated approach to writing using clay, beads, shaving cream, etc., makes more sense.

Similarly, when teachers are introducing concepts like grammatical conventions or figurative language devices, an audio or visual approach might work better than a written explanation of how a properly formatted sentence should sound. Teachers should also practice inclusion by encouraging students to demonstrate their learning in various ways. This means that, not only is the presentation of information different for each child, but the means by which a student exhibits mastery should be individualized, as well. Some students might prefer to write a formal, organized research paper to convey their knowledge of a subject, while others might feel most comfortable presenting a visual demonstration of their topic. The key is to provide multiple opportunities for students to display their knowledge so that everyone’s learning styles are being incorporated.

Another way to look at inclusion is to utilize multiple means of engagement. For students with attention issues, memory difficulties, or other learning disabilities, engagement in the classroom can make all the difference. Engagement might mean listening to music to identify metaphors, similes, or narrative voice. A film study might help students understand a new culture or part of the world. An analysis of a slow motion field goal might help students understand kinetic energy, velocity, or other properties of physics. The point is, when students are engaged, learning not only flourishes, but behaviors and attentiveness increase, as well. Engagement also assists with moving information from short-term memory into long-term memory. Inclusion, with regard to engagement, means that teachers are not only teaching with methods for each type of learner, but also appealing to each learner, so that memory of the information or skill can solidify. In order to provide engagement, there must be a level of interest on the student’s end. As different as each student’s learning style may be, so may be their interests.

This is where building relationships with students becomes essential for inclusion. Cultural inclusiveness provides students with a platform to express themselves on a more personal level. This also promotes a positive classroom environment, one in which students feel heard, understood, and accepted. Cultural inclusion allows students to see beyond themselves, as well, which fosters perspective-taking.

New Year’s Resolutions for Students

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It’s that time of year again—the new year, when many of us set impossible goals or make empty promises to ourselves about “bettering” something in our lives. Do you know there’s a better way to set achievable goals?

When I instruct my students about reflecting and goal setting, I use the popular SMART goals method, an acronym that helps direct us to make goals that are, well, smart. The same directives that we use in the classroom to set SMART goals can be easily applied to students’ papers about New Year’s resolutions, a short writing task that I give my students on the first day back from winter break. I, too, will use the SMART goals method to set and reach my own personal New Year’s resolutions this year. But how exactly can we weave SMART goals into resolutions for students?

Let’s take a look!

The acronym varies slightly among teachers and educational resources, but the basic expectations of SMART goals are seen below:

Specific (simple, straightforward)

Measurable (meaningful, monitored)

Achievable (attainable, agreed upon)

Relevant (reasonable/realistic, results-oriented)

Timely (trackable, tangible)

Much like setting SMART goals, students’ New Year’s resolutions should be specific or straightforward, meaning that “Do better in school” would not make the cut. We must prompt students to specify exactly what they hope to change or achieve. Ask questions like, “In which class or classes do you want to see improvement?” “What grade do you consider to be ‘better’?”

A measurable or monitored resolution should be quantifiable; it must involve progress that can be tracked. Ask students how they plan to track or measure the progress, and how often they should check-in, evaluate, or adjust based on the measured progress. For instance, if a resolution is to improve their timed mile run by dropping 30 seconds, encourage them to keep time logs, workout schedules, and other exact measures of their progress.

An achievable resolution is one that is within the realm of reality—and students need to be aware of this fact. Resolutions must be attainable and realistic. While we teachers should not dash dreams or cut anyone short of their highest potential, we also need to help students realize what is and is not achievable in the manner or timeline they have allotted. If a student’s resolution or goal is to win the state’s 1st place mile, but they have never run any sort of distance race, their aim is set much too high. This is not to say that they cannot one day reach that level, but this resolution should detail smaller steps in an effort to reach that point in the future.

Depending on a student’s age, the achievable factor should be agreed upon, meaning that a parent or other adult figure is “in” on the accountability of the resolution. Relevant resolutions should be goals that matter on a larger scale. If a student wants to focus on family time, a resolution might be to keep the cellphone off and away during meals, gatherings, and other family activities. This goal is certainly achievable; there are no outside factors that could disrupt the goal. The student simply has to be mindful of his or her presence during family time. It is relevant because the cell phone is a likely distractor during conversations and meals.

Finally, a timely resolution is one that has a definitive starting point and incremental check-ins. When writing a New Year’s resolution, students should ask themselves, “What can I do today to work towards this? What can I do two weeks from now? Two months from now? What would this resolution look like in 6 months? Working towards the resolution or goal should start right away—as we all know, procrastination is a surefire way to derail our progress.